The New Yorker

 
 

The All-Natural Ingredients in Our Disgusting Skin-Care Line

Our lineup of noxious ingredients naturally sourced from the hideous earth.

 

Teas You Should Probably Get Rid of Already

Loose-Leaf Black Tea Inside a Baggy, Mystery Tea Bag with the Label Missing, and more.

 
 
 

Word Problems Harder to Solve Than the Real-Life Failures That Inspired Them

Please explain why the drawer is empty and all the pants are crumpled in a pile next to the bed.

 

Other Definitions of “Wintry Mix”

When your nose is running and someone else’s nose is running and you kiss.

 
 
 

The New York Times

 
 
 

Quarterly Reports on the Phases of the Moon

We expect the Moon to significantly raise its profile in the night sky.

 

Notes on ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’

Remember that even though it’s fiction, it’s meant to be believable. Give these characters names like Fred, Luke, Greg, etc.

 
 
 

McSweeney’s

 
 
 

Job Hunt: The Board Game

Job Hunt is a game of chance, although some people think there’s strategy involved.

 

An Unemployed Person (Who’s Not Bitter At All) Writes A Job Recruiter's Job Description

If the Hogwarts house you sorted yourself into was, “Dementor at Azkaban,” you just might be exactly who we’re looking for.

 
 
 

Weekly Humorist

 
 
 

You Are What You Eat

When you accidentally eat some egg shell, that’s when your big toenail gets impossibly thick.

 

Things More Distracting Than Your Screen

The bar of chocolate on your desk that you’re “saving” for “later.”

 
 
 

A Note To Ringo Starr From The Association Of Octopus Gardeners

We squirted a day’s worth of ink to write you this letter, so we do hope you listen.

 

I Came Back as a Cockroach and Everything is Perfect Now

We made a home for ourselves in a rusty old drain pipe.

 
 
 

Little Old Lady Comedy

 
 
 

Supernatural Democratic Debate Rules

The ghosts must prove they’re ready to take the fright all the way to the White House.

 

After 25 Years of Marriage, I’m Still Extremely Attracted to My Husband’s Bacne

I still find the act of popping those juicy suckers so damn satisfying.

 
 
 

The Belladonna

 
 
 

Spiders Versus Snakes

Spiders: Too many legs. Snakes: Not enough legs.

 

The Daily Itinerary of a Bear Coming Out of Hibernation

I spend five hours combing my fur. I finish one leg. Life is a journey, not a destination.

 
 
 

I Miss Your Colorful Circle In Our Shared Google Doc

Do you still have that link I shared with you and only you?

 

An Art Historian Surveys My Periods

Red Period, Conceptual Period, and more creative outpourings

 
 
 

Hey Mankind, I’m the Earth and I Think It’s Time You Started Seeing Other Planets

Before you came around I was a hot mess with no life, but now the stress of this relationship is killing me.

 
 
 
 

The Daily Itinerary of an Apple

Just out here living my best life.

 

Submissions Are Open for the Fall Issue of ‘Apocalyptic Parent’

Our theme this year is: “How do you explain to your kids what fall was?”

 
 
 

I’m a Beautiful Goose and You’re a Fool If You Don’t Take My Picture

I can’t spend a quiet day at the park without the cameras just flocking to me.

 

Ask Your Doctor If Working From Home Is Right for You 

Team building activities hurt. Working From Home can help.

 
 
 

Points In Case

 
 

How to Have a Happy Relationship Even Though You're Not Dating Mister Rogers

Is it possible to love someone who doesn’t whimsically toss their shoe from one hand to the other while singing a beautiful song?

 
 

Reductress