The New Yorker
The All-Natural Ingredients in Our Disgusting Skin-Care Line
Our lineup of noxious ingredients naturally sourced from the hideous earth.
Teas You Should Probably Get Rid of Already
Loose-Leaf Black Tea Inside a Baggy, Mystery Tea Bag with the Label Missing, and more.
Word Problems Harder to Solve Than the Real-Life Failures That Inspired Them
Please explain why the drawer is empty and all the pants are crumpled in a pile next to the bed.
Other Definitions of “Wintry Mix”
When your nose is running and someone else’s nose is running and you kiss.
The New York Times
Quarterly Reports on the Phases of the Moon
We expect the Moon to significantly raise its profile in the night sky.
Notes on ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’
Remember that even though it’s fiction, it’s meant to be believable. Give these characters names like Fred, Luke, Greg, etc.
Job Hunt: The Board Game
is a game of chance, although some people think there’s strategy involved.
An Unemployed Person (Who’s Not Bitter At All) Writes A Job Recruiter's Job Description
If the Hogwarts house you sorted yourself into was, “Dementor at Azkaban,” you just might be exactly who we’re looking for.
You Are What You Eat
When you accidentally eat some egg shell, that’s when your big toenail gets impossibly thick.
Things More Distracting Than Your Screen
The bar of chocolate on your desk that you’re “saving” for “later.”
A Note To Ringo Starr From The Association Of Octopus Gardeners
We squirted a day’s worth of ink to write you this letter, so we do hope you listen.
I Came Back as a Cockroach and Everything is Perfect Now
We made a home for ourselves in a rusty old drain pipe.
Little Old Lady Comedy
Supernatural Democratic Debate Rules
The ghosts must prove they’re ready to take the fright all the way to the White House.
After 25 Years of Marriage, I’m Still Extremely Attracted to My Husband’s Bacne
I still find the act of popping those juicy suckers so damn satisfying.
Spiders Versus Snakes
Spiders: Too many legs. Snakes: Not enough legs.
The Daily Itinerary of a Bear Coming Out of Hibernation
I spend five hours combing my fur. I finish one leg. Life is a journey, not a destination.
I Miss Your Colorful Circle In Our Shared Google Doc
Do you still have that link I shared with you and only you?
An Art Historian Surveys My Periods
Red Period, Conceptual Period, and more creative outpourings
Hey Mankind, I’m the Earth and I Think It’s Time You Started Seeing Other Planets
Before you came around I was a hot mess with no life, but now the stress of this relationship is killing me.
Church Cantata Composed by Johann Sebastian Bach, or Thing I’ve Said While Having Period Cramps?
Dearest God, when will I die?
The Daily Itinerary of an Apple
Just out here living my best life.
Submissions Are Open for the Fall Issue of ‘Apocalyptic Parent’
Our theme this year is: “How do you explain to your kids what fall was?”
I’m a Beautiful Goose and You’re a Fool If You Don’t Take My Picture
I can’t spend a quiet day at the park without the cameras just
Ask Your Doctor If Working From Home Is Right for You
Team building activities hurt. Working From Home can help.
Points In Case
How to Have a Happy Relationship Even Though You're Not Dating Mister Rogers
Is it possible to love someone who doesn’t whimsically toss their shoe from one hand to the other while singing a beautiful song?
5 Bold Red Lipsticks To Empower Your Front Tooth
Woman Deletes Instagram Story Prompting Speculation That She Fucked Up the Cake She Was Baking
5 Elegant Lace Curtains That Let In Natural Light and the Sneaking Suspicion You’re Being Watched
Drunk Woman Eating Pizza Feels Really Good About Supporting Local Business
‘I Couldn’t Imagine Living Outside the City,’ Says Woman Who Only Leaves Her Apartment Once a Week
Vegetarian Touched That Family Remembered Her Favorite Meal Is Lettuce
Sad! The Leaky Cauldron Is A Starbucks Now
Scientists Discover Dinosaurs Had Feathers, Glitter, And Other Fun Craft Supplies
5 Wines That Pair Well With Staring Out Over the Skyline Plotting the Downfall of Your Enemies
3 Cute Winter Outfits That Are Just Buttoning Your Coat Over Your Pajamas
5 On-the-Go Breakfast Ideas to Leave Behind On the Kitchen Counter, Fuck!